Are we supposed to be happy?

Many years ago, in a conversation that started about something entirely different, a therapist I was seeing asked me if I liked my job. At the time, my work involved investigating human rights complaints like workplace discrimination. I faltered in my answer: “I mean… Do I like it? It’s… interesting.”

She stayed silent. I kept going to fill the space between us.

“I like it a lot better than I did working at a private law firm…..” My shoulders curled forward a bit and my body shrank.

“There are a lot of jobs I would like less.” My face scrunched up a bit more.

“I like the people I work with?” (Is that something?)

“It aligns with my general values...”

“Ok,” She said finally. “So you don’t like your job.”

I was taken aback. That wasn’t really what I had said, was it? I liked my job well enough… didn’t I? How much does a person like their job? Is that even something to strive for?

I started asking friends how they felt about their work. While some tilted their head back and forth, like I had, and gave a list of reasons that the work was rewarding in its way, some said yes unequivocally. Nobody gave a straight out “no.”

We think that we’re doing ourselves a favour when we come up with reasons for why we don’t feel the way that we do. Like when a young kid falls to the ground and the parent tries to preempt tears by calling out to them, “You’re ok!”

“You’re ok!”, we tell ourselves.

“Nobody likes what they do!”

“It could be so much worse!”

“You should be grateful for what you have!”

But sometimes the key is in just acknowledging the truth. It’s ok to be unhappy. Lying to ourselves causes stress.

“Ok. So you don’t like your job.”

When we allow these thoughts to come out, our body relaxes. It knows what’s true and what’s not.

When my therapist challenged my feelings, I got closer to the truth and the thoughts that I didn’t know where in there. Thoughts like,

Well of course I don’t like it like it.

I’m avoiding other paths because I’m afraid of failure.

It’s naive to think that I could do work that I loved and have it earn a living.

It’s not actually important for me to be happy.

Where I’ve come to now is that we may not always be happy, but we are meant to live in integrity. We are meant for a version of our lives where our words, thoughts, and actions align. That means that when we are stressed or unhappy, we tell ourselves the truth about how we feel. Liking our work is less important than being honest with ourselves about it: what we enjoy and what we don’t, and why we keep going.

“I don’t want to be here and doing this now, but I am because…”

[if I quit, everyone would be so disappointed in me]

[this is the only way for me to make money]

[clients need me to do this for them]

[this is probably as good as it gets]

In a moment, we get a step closer to the truth, and we see what thoughts need more questioning.

You don’t have to like your work. You don’t need to be happy. But you’re allowed to think that you could be.

On my end, I’ve come to find that work can be fulfilling and meaningful, that I can have clients and cases that I like and believe in, that my boundaries can be upheld and enforced, and that more often than not my life is arranged so that I can think, “This is just where I want to be right now.”

More than anything, I work at trusting the words of author Melody Beattie who wrote, “At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.”

That is how, I believe, it’s supposed to be.